so you think that love is something purely sweet, makes you forget the pain as it lingers at your lips? you think that love is the only thing when you have someone who likes the way you look when you smile because maybe you'll look better with his hand in your chest, go this way, go that way, if I say that I love you will you give me what I want? if I tell you I love you, can you laugh to your friends and feel safe at night, can you pretend like everything is holding together? love is a loaded gun and in its cold slick chamber a solitary bullet sleeps in his pressure-bed. spin the revolver, like playing spin the bottle with a bleeding heart, you hear a click, click...and in that one final moment before you pull the trigger, you think that maybe this wasn't really love after all...one last click! you have to be sure, and you pull that trigger
and...and...
nothing...you escape with the sweat dripping from your face in cold rivulets as the trepidation dissolves into a foolish grin. so you survived it this time...and on down the road you find Mr.. right and you pick up the gun to see how it feels tempting fate with him in your heart...click click BOOM...bullet caresses your brain in a lover's blow of little scarlet raindrops. your head feels nothing, but your spirit breaks into those thousands of millions of invisible splinters, won't be so easy next time. if only you had hurt me then maybe it would be easier to let you go. if you had twisted the things that I see to jagged lines and black clouds then maybe it wouldn't kill me to watch you walk away. your heart is broken so you hide away in that deep black hole just inside your skin, protected from the terrible breezes. you slip a bit further into that beautiful never-never land of numbness, can't feel a thing when they stick those needles in. is it love when you hide away? I pretend not to notice that you have yet to hurt me, I refuse to see that my reality is a nightmare in which you are the only steady part. so you pretend like all you really wanted was the sex, that it did not affect you in the least to be so close to someone so close? its as if it really mattered, love doesn't leave you feeling this way. or is it not love without the morning after? why is it that with love it is the sex that you realize last? all things become unimportant compared to the look in your love's eyes...so deep blue profound and illuminating. you see nothing but that faded glow..and when your heart betrays itself and collapses inward on all of your haunted thoughts, and all that you crave is another taste of those three words that touch you deeper than sex ever could. is it love when you don't wonder if they really mean it? is it love when you feel no pain except for that dull sting of reality? when your past is no longer important, no longer hindering, but the memories can paralyze your intrepid progress. and there you are again...finding yourself staring at those stars and seeing them for what they really are, cold and empty shadows of the distance from your lost reflection. nothing is ever the same once you get that first taste, one little swallow is all that it takes. is it love when you cut yourself and no scars are left? is it love if it leaves a slight stain? will they notice the tiger stripes about my withered soul? or can they smell that prison stench of mold and anguish? do they see the chains that I drag behind me? if they can never see, then why does love make you tell them?
I sit in this late hour and confess to you the secrets that have been tearing apart my being with the gnawing pain of remembrance and that residual echo of guilt...you are not the one to crucify me in the end...but still I am curious to the response in your gaze...what does it mean when you do not flinch back when I reach for you? why do you not cringe when I touch you?
why do you not cry for me like you do for the others? after all, I am the embodiment of every ghost that you have ever known....
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